This is an entry from a diary I used to keep. It's from the day I found out my grandmother died.
2/18/09
I've made a tremendous breakthrough tonight. I realize that I thoroughly and completely hate my grandmother on my mom's side. True progress. I'm glad she didn't get to see me for several years before she died. I hope she died utterly alone and knowing that that's all she was worth and she deserved it. I hope she's burning in Hell with the eternal flames torturing her soul forever. I hope she relives her lonely death and all the pain from her life every day for eternity. I will hold the hand of Christ and laugh straight in her face and spit on her. I'm sorry it wasn't me who killed her. I hope she doesn't come to see me when I die. I hate the fuck out of her. She deserves every ounce of pain she's ever felt and infinitely more. Boy it feels great to finally get this out. At last, I no longer feel completely indifferent about her. The next step in the path toward loving her will be dealing with my anger toward her. Then, once I've allowed myself to express everything I should have expressed while she was alive, I will finally get to a place where I can forgive her. And then I will love her.
2/18/09
I've made a tremendous breakthrough tonight. I realize that I thoroughly and completely hate my grandmother on my mom's side. True progress. I'm glad she didn't get to see me for several years before she died. I hope she died utterly alone and knowing that that's all she was worth and she deserved it. I hope she's burning in Hell with the eternal flames torturing her soul forever. I hope she relives her lonely death and all the pain from her life every day for eternity. I will hold the hand of Christ and laugh straight in her face and spit on her. I'm sorry it wasn't me who killed her. I hope she doesn't come to see me when I die. I hate the fuck out of her. She deserves every ounce of pain she's ever felt and infinitely more. Boy it feels great to finally get this out. At last, I no longer feel completely indifferent about her. The next step in the path toward loving her will be dealing with my anger toward her. Then, once I've allowed myself to express everything I should have expressed while she was alive, I will finally get to a place where I can forgive her. And then I will love her.
No comments:
Post a Comment